Tears and Wisdom

Lately tears.
Tears for days are pouring from Jason and I.
Not bad ones.
Just tears over almost everything all the time.
We have turned into weeping puddles.
What gives.

We watched a video of Jocelyn cheering on Jason when he graduated with his masters. He wanted a video of the kids cheering. I'm so glad he asked for that. I took the video of Jocelyn and Jason's sister heather took one of Judah. Jocelyn and her adorable 3 yr old self saying "Thats my daddy. Thats my dada" over and over and she saw him on the big screen watching him walk across the stage.
Tears for days.

I got a card for mothers day.
Well i got several.
But an unexpected one handed to be from our executive pastor left me in tears for literally days.
Yesterday Jason asked what i was crying about.
"The card" I said. "I just keep re reading it".
Tears for days.

We had staff chapel yesterday. A day were it enables the staff at Creekside to encounter God not on a Sunday because Sundays can be busy. And although we encounter God on Sunday something so wonderful about not being strapped to microphone. It was a beautiful time where we cried and cried.
Jason cries quietly just slightly wiping his cheek.
I however need all the kleenex in the land, mascara everywhere and need to take my glasses to a professional washer because they are covered in makeup and tears.
Yet it was a beautiful time of God's presence and all we had was a simple guitar.
Tears for days.

And i do what any Christian does.
I try and think: God. Did we pray for brokenness?
Tenderness?
The last few days all i can remember asking God for is clarity and wisdom.
We need more wisdom than our brains can hold.

And then God smiled and i physically went...ah. I see.

Wisdom to a person who's heart is not broken before the Lord can seem as if they are full of themselves.
Wisdom to a person who's heart breaks at the very thought of Jesus being born to save a world is wisdom the Bible speaks of.

James 3:17-18
'But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and the fruit of good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness."

Well smack me over the face.
Here i prayed for wisdom because we need answers to problems and we need direction and my list of needs is forever long.
I needed selfish wisdom.

God wants our hearts.
Oh how far my prayers were off from God's heart but he has still given me what i asked, just not how i thought he would.

The list James gives us of what wisdom from above looks like is the reason we cry.
It's the reason our hearts break over what seems meaningless things yet it's so meaningful to our heavenly Father.
It's the reasons our hearts are shedding tears down our face.

I prayed for wisdom.
God is giving me pure wisdom.
peace loving wisdom.
Gentle wisdom.
Yielding to others wisdom.
Merciful wisdom.

That's like my God to use my selfish prayers to prune my selfish ways even more.
I want to flourish under his care. To do so i have to pay attention to gentle ways of pruning me. What was an innocent prayer turned to be selfish at it's root and he is gracious to pluck it out and replace it with his loving gifts.

Praise be to God for seeing me worthy of his affection.
I love being His daughter.

Dwell

I recently had a coffee couch chat with one of my favorite people, Livy.  Livy is a friend I've had for a long time. Our husbands were youth pastors at the same time and we did lots of camps and such with them.

Livy and I view life and ministry a lot alike and i always enjoy sitting and talking with her about life, ministry and everything in between.

Livy asked me the question that many of my friends do "So Kathy, How are you with Jason as the lead pastor."

Until my conversation with Livy i didn't really have an answer.
I didn't really have a way to explain my heart and mind.
Well maybe i did have an answer, but i think i was embarrassed of my answer feeling that it wasn't right. Yet as i was processing it with Livy it became so perfectly clear.

A few weeks, maybe a month ago, not sure, time has never really been my thing. So awhile ago, God laid the word Dwell on my heart. And i used that word to explain my feelings about my life.

I told Livy i haven't looked up yet.
Jason's job is overwhelming.
My role, whatever that is beyond the home, is overwhelming.
So i dwell. I stay still. But is that bad?

I feel as though looking up and taking on a "role" is something i can't do. The thought of all that goes on in a day in the life of ministry is to much for me.
So i dwell.
I focus on the things Jesus has given me a passion for and pursue them with everything in me. Dwell doesn't mean i sit and don't take action.

By dwell i mean my nose is in the Bible.
I sit in the presence of Jesus.
I bask in his peace and covering.
I dwell.
I'm still to listen to his voice whisper to my heart.

I can't look up yet.
For me the goods are found in praying over my husband and children.
That God would protect their comings and goings.
That God would supernaturally open the heavens and move in a community we so deeply love.
The goods to me are found in this safe cocoon.
This safe covering of the Lords presence.

I believe there is a time to break out.
But i know that time isn't now because when i look up and try and understand the mantle on which my husband holds i become paralyzed.
So i know the time isn't now.
I know my place is to dwell.

My place in this life may always be to dwell. To sit. To pray. To be.
And i'm ok with that.

dwell : to linger

So this Monday finds me lingering over the things of Jesus. Praying over the work God is doing in our future campus pastors. Lingering over the details in prayer.

My eyes are fixed on Jesus. And for now,  probably forever, that is a state in which i am. Moving the works of Jesus forward one prayer at a time. And looking around it seems to be working.

Psalm 26:8
I love your sanctuary, Lord, the place where your glorious presence dwells.
amen.

This Christmas

Jocelyn and I have been playing Skip Bo a lot lately. At least 2-3 games a night. Judah is usually building legos close by or making blow up noises with his fake guns. Jason is grading papers or reading comic books. We are all in the same room. Together. Yet busy doing our own thing.

Last night I gave Judah the Jesus calling book for Kids and had him read to us the story of Jesus being born.
He started reading and the skip bo game continued and Jason continued grading.

Slowly. As the story unfolded.
As this story of Mary finding a place in the hay came to life.
As Joseph named the son of God, Jesus.
As Mary held her son who would save the world.
As Jesus cried his first cry.

As words were read the skip bo game slowly stopped...
Jason took his eyes off his computer...
And we all seemed so captivated in the moment.  In Judah reading the story that changed our lives forever.
The birth of our Savior.

I've been wanting a moment where we can all sit in awe of what it really means that day we celebrate Jesus being born. It's so much more than gifts. Our world can be downright overwhelming and ugly. The world this baby came to save often seems like it doesn't recognize it's King.
Deep down i longed for us to remember and wonder what that night would have been like. To watch Mary and Joseph bring Jesus into this world as a human.
The wonder as a child i remember so beautifully.
I desperately wanted my children to see in amazement all that went on and wonder "how and why did God chose this way to save us".

Why was a baby born a king mom?
Why did we need a Savior?
Wasn't Mary so young?
Wasn't Mary so scared, Mom?

All those questions as kids we wonder and ask. I wanted my kids to wonder. To ask. To dig deep and ponder all their parents believe. All they believe.

Christmas is a time to wonder.  Its a beautiful time to ask questions.
Yet often my only answer is a smile.
Other times my answer is "did you feel that? Did you feel those chills when you said the name of Jesus? Did you feel the Joy rise up when Judah read that Jesus had his first cry? Thats it! Thats Christmas. Thats Jesus! He is alive. He is real. He is here. He is God with us. Immanuel."

I pray this Christmas finds you in the midst of your everyday life and you have a moment to stop and remember all Jesus is to us. To your family and friends. And to this world he so longs to be in relationship with.

Toaster

I keep trying to figure out what i want to write. I know I need to blog. I know i have so much to say. So much to update. So much swirling in my heart.

I can't seem to get in the flow.

There is a total flow when it comes to writing and if you don't have it, well you don't have it. 

I could write about my children.

Jason's new position.

Our van which found a new home.

I mean. Really the possibilities are endless. But. Nothings coming.

So ya'll...i'm off to buy a new toaster. 

Yup.

Our toaster after 10 years has decided in perfect fashion to burn one piece of toast and the other slot won't even cook. I mean. Can you even imagine! 

It actually felt good to put it in the garbage today. I'm kinda over messing with it.

I mean. I've tried.

I. Have. Tried.

I didn't want to be one of those people, you know, who throws toasters away to early. Because who in their right mind throws a toaster away to early. For the love. I can't even.

But not evenly toasting my bread? 

We all know.

The relationship had to end.

So i'm taking my Bed Bath & Beyond coupon and getting a new one...

A new toaster that is. Not a new Bed. Or bath.  What is even the Beyond?..

His steady hand

Recent changes with Jason's job have necessitated me to pull back and dig deep to see God's hand moving in our life.
I say Jason's job.
Yet, i deeply know it is a calling and far more than just a job. Peoples lives are on the line. Hell is real.

Almost a year and a half ago Jesus spoke to Jason and i separately. We had been praying about our position at Creekside and asking God what was next for us. Asking God how we can continue to serve Him. And asking God if this is where he would want us to spend the next years of ministry. This is something we do often. All the time actually. It is nothing new. We are always wanting to stay in the will of God. We are always asking God to widen our territory. People need Jesus.

And for almost 2 years now Jason and I have been in a heart process. A change of sorts. God has been steadily readying our hearts for the task he has laid out before us:
Creekside church as a whole.
The Lynnwood Campus.
Jason being interim lead pastor.
All of this.

God has been steadily working to ready our hearts. Never did we know what for. Yet he was so gracious to speak so clearly to our hearts to say "Change is coming. You will know it is me. Be on guard, be prayerful, stay vigilant, I am moving." And we have done so, together. We have stayed faithful with palms open to the Lord and how he would use our lives to further His mission.

I stepped away from Facebook due to some issues with anxiety i was having. (See previous blogs) And honestly needed to just pull away from people. There are seasons God asks us to speak up, and seasons God asked us to take a moment and relive our love and desire for him.

I stayed in Gods word daily. Listening to it on my phone. Reading it in my Bible. It was my lifeline. I would pick a verse and just ponder it all day. Sometimes weeks. Just letting it soak deep into my heart.

One night i was crying. Knowing my dad was going to leave as the lead pastor and all the weight that would be transferred to Jason's shoulders, even in the interim. I was scared. I was incredibly afraid to the core. The lead pastor is a wonderful shelter for the people. For the staff. They are a spiritual hedge around the flock. Their face is in the devils mind daily.
Yes our God is greater. Bigger. Stronger.
I was still scared.

And then.
Alone in my living room.
Kids at school.
I just cried to God.
"God i am so desperate for you presence. Your tangible presence in my life. I need to feel you. I need you to go before me. I need to know your hand is physically sheltering our life."
And in a moment.
It came.
A Vision.
Clear to this day this picture has replayed in my mind over and over.

It's a vision of Jason with his arm around me, walking on a path. He is looking ahead, never to the side, never down, never up, always straight ahead. And i am only looking at Jason smiling at him. Praying over him. Never looking ahead always at Jason.
We are on a path and we can only see our next step. All around is fog...
And on each of our shoulders is a hand.
Jesus stands between us and has a hand on our shoulders guiding us one step at a time.

And a rush of the strongest wave possible of peace came rushing through my body. A tangible sense of the Lord came over my body.
And from that moment on i have never felt alone.
I have always felt his tangible presence.

I share my experience to say God is always at work in our life. Always gracious to give space to grow in our relationship with Him. How gracious he was to whisper to our hearts a year and a half ago that change would come. Be ready.

If you struggle, as i do sometimes, to hear Gods voice.
Maybe your life is to loud.
Maybe you have your ears to crowded and your heart to full to sense the tangible presence of God.
He's calling.
And i'm so thankful his steady hand has been with me and will continue to be with me through every season of change.

oh no you didn't

Oh yes you did.

I encountered 2 different people this past week that thought it kind to tell me they never thought I would be the child to live a life in ministry.

To which i smiled.

Laughed to myself, because i too never thought it would be my life.

And moved along.

So to everyone this Monday morning punching fear in the face.

Charting a course unknown.

And doing all God has called you to do with people on the sidelines cheering you on or people scowling wondering why you're even in the race.

Carry on people.

Keep your head up with who God has called you to be

Push the anxiety aside.

And know we only have an audience of One. Jesus.

And if someone merely wants to stand on the sidelines to cheer or stand on the sidelines and scowl, this is for sure, you won't ever find me on the sidelines. 

Stay in the race brave ones.

Silence is the new megaphone

For days.
Maybe weeks i've been trying to write a blog.

I really do dislike the english language.
I struggle to find words that fit my heart.
I can't seem to come up with the exact word for my exact emotions. I often rely on Jason to tell me my feelings. Sounds pathetic. I'm just not good with words.

Yesterday my friend Sarah came over to grab a bible study. Love that i have friends who call me to look through my stash of Bible studies.
We got to talking for an hour or so about many things one being my recent breakup with Facebook. A couple weeks ago i deactivated my account. I have many reasons. Yet Sarah said a word that just sparked my heart.

Exposed.
exposed: visible, typically by uncovering it. reveal, uncover.

The line of work my husband does, can leave our family feeling exposed. Often it is ok. Often i don't mind. And often i view life as an extreme privilege to get a front row seat to all Jesus is doing.

Yet there are times my spirit grows weak.
I become critical of others.
I feel empty.
I lack the emotional margin to help others because i myself have become so exposed to the negative things around me.

It can be a dangerous place to be.

I knew i got there when the panic attacks started. And when they seemed to only get worse i literally for days cried to God asking how i can get these to leave me. They are seeming to ruin any fun plans we had. They are leaving me constantly fearful of when the next one would come.

It was very clear as to what i needed to do.
1. i needed to tell trusted friends what was going on at the deep levels of my heart. I needed to share what brings these on, how long i've been dealing with them, and how they could help.
2. Get off Facebook.

Telling trusted friends happened over e-mail. I was to scared and to tearful to make any sort of phone calls. I wrote it and heard back that same night from 2 close friends in how they would walk with me through this, be by my side, and be an ear to listen to the anxiety that seems to take over.
"The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense." Proverbs 27:9
Yes.
The sweetness of my friends putting their spiritual arms around me. Linking arms with me and reminding me that they will fight the battle with me immediately eased my heart. You can have good friends. That is nice. Spiritual warfare friends is where the goods are found.

For whatever reason for 2 weeks i sat on getting off of Facebook. Facebook is now a way to communicate with people. Its a way to stay in touch. Its a way to rally the troops around a great cause. Its become part of life.

That was the problem.

I started to become critical of peoples posts.
Another parenting blog?
Does anyone ever go to the Word of God for guidence?
Another rant about the kids they can't handle?
Did you sit in prayer over this? Did you take a moment to yourself before blasting the inter webs with your feelings?

Oh how gross my heart was. What evil was creeping into my head and out my mouth.
And if it was coming out of my mouth and into my head then surely it was in my heart.

No way to get it out but cut it at the source.

Peoples posts are not the problem.
Peoples rants about kids or parenting blogs or food or a clean house are not the problem.

Ladies & gentlemen i am the problem.
My ugly heart is the problem.

It had grown critical.
unloving.
uncaring.
judgmental.
and i'm sure the list can only go on so i'll spare you the ugliness.

So Facebook went down.
No i didn't warn the masses.
No i didn't provide other ways to get a hold of me.

For awhile it'll just be me and Jesus.
Jesus most definitely has a work to do in my heart. And it always starts with being obedient to what the Holy Spirit is telling me to do.

I wake up and read my Bible.
I crave my Bible.
The Bible is alive again.
My spirit is aware of my surroundings.

People i cried leaving Fred Meyer the other day because there are 2 groups of people that live in their campers and they just move around lynnwood. That made me cry. It should make me cry.

When we rid ourselves of outside voices and outside garbage God and his Spirit have room again to open our eyes to the people who need him. And isn't that what this world is about? Isn't it about the audience of one?
Jesus.
He is our only audience.
He is who we strive to be like.
He is who's name we share with the world.
He is who is reflected in our hearts, our smiles, and our voices.

Cut the outside noise and the outside voices and it's as if Jesus found his megaphone and is yelling in my ear all day long.
It's a good yell.
Its a voice I've craved to hear in a world that is hard to hear anything in with all the media that blasts our ears.

It's our choice as to how loud Gods voice is in our life.
It's our choice as to how our heart break for what breaks His heart.
It's our choice.

Silence is the new megaphone.