Evaluating Motives

I've had on my heart the past few weeks this thought of why i do what i do.

Why am i friends with them?
Why do i volunteer in my son's classroom?
Why do i wear what i wear?
Why do i ______?

Examining my motives is interesting and sometimes a little gut-wrentching. Judah my 5 year old wants me to volunteer in his class everyday. If he had it his way i would be his 1 on 1 personal teacher everyday. Now i was convinced early on when having children that homeschooling was not for me. So a couple weeks ago i brought cupcakes to his classroom and i stayed for 1 hour. I repeat, i stayed for 1 hour.  I was going crazy. 25 kindergartners is not my love language. Mixed with a 3 year old that wanted to do everything her brother was doing, i was wanting to pull my hair out.

Well i felt really guilty for not liking to volunteer in Judah's classroom. I kinda felt like a mom failure. I started to ask God if i should really voluneer. If so i'll look into someone watching Jocelyn and it would maybe make it a little easier.

I have since then, felt this nagging piece inside my heart to examine my motives of why i even want to volunteer. Now i would love to say it's to help the teacher. Or it's to be with Judah and make memories. Or it's to show a healthy relationship between a son and his mom. But no.

Want to know why?

Deep down it was to prove to my husband (who doesn't judge me in the slightest!) that i could make a good stay at home mom. That if i wasn't to work, it would be worth the sacrifice. I could say "see! Look at me, i'm busing investing in my kids!"

Kinda sick huh?!?

Since i've dealt with those feelings and have come to terms with volunteering in Judah's class, it has helped me examine my motives for other things. Am i doing them to show the love of Christ and doing things with pure motives, or am i doing certain things for show so people will think better than me.

No i'm not going to become a SAHM. :)