buckets of tears...

Jason and i leave this Saturday at 3:00am to head to the airport for our long day of travel to Roatan, Honduras where we will be serving for 1 week. We are really excited for this opportunity to go. Our kids will be staying with Nana & Papa and are excited.

I've been talking to Judah & Jocelyn a lot about our leaving and why we are leaving them. Telling them we are going to build a home for a mom and her kids. He understands as much as a 4 year old.

Lately Judah has been having a fear of us dying and leaving him. It started when Jason turned 30 last month. Judah realized that daddy was getting old, and to Judah getting old means dying for whatever reason. We aren't sure where he got this realization, not from us, or maybe from us. So we reassure him that mommy & daddy will be with him forever. Whether we will or not, isn't the issue, he's 4 and needs reassurance.

So if my emotions weren't on edge about the fact i'm leaving my kids, Judah walked up to me as i was packing my clothes this morning and said "i don't want you to leave, because i don't want to not have a family."

**insert broken heart**

I could have cried buckets of tears. I didn't know what to say.  I stopped what i was doing, put him on my lap and reminded him why we were going. I then told him that mommy & daddy are always going to be his family whether we are next to him in person or traveling. I then told him that Jesus is his true father, and he is with him always. We prayed together, and he went off and played, not worrying about it anymore.

Made me realize how tender his heart is toward all things. 

Also made me realize how much i have to learn, and teach my children. Never do i want them to fear losing me or Jason. But greater than that, i want them to know they have a heavenly father, who above all else, will always be there with them. I want my 4 year old to know without a doubt, whenever he is scared, fearful, or anxious he can call upon Jesus and he will answer him and give him the peace only he can.

How can i teach this to my children if i first don't have that in my life and exude that kid of confidence in my own heavenly father?

 I can't.

Sure i grow anxious, fearful, and scared. But when i talk about those feelings with Jason in front of my kids, do they then see me pray and enter into a time of peace with my heavenly Father.

Something for me to think about.....

Guess giving up things for Lent really does give you time to think and time for Jesus to work on your heart. Go lent day #1! :)