The conversation went like this:
Me: Jason shut up and just listen to me.
Jason: No, you are being just like Jonah and rebelling against God.
Me: Just shut up Jason.
Jason: It's true.
Me: So what if it's true
Arg!
Jason and I have been talking for YEARS about me wanting to stay home. To not work. To not have to juggle ministry, work, kids, school schedule, and friends. To have an easy life.
Then God Spoke.
Kathy, Go back to work full time.
So i listened.
I obeyed.
With no blessing in sight 2 months later.
I. Am. Miserable.
I hate it.
I hate the schedule.
I hate missing swimming lessons.
I hate letting other friendships slip because i'm to exhausted to keep them up.
I. Hate. It.
But God called me to do it.
So in having this lasting argument of me wanting to just quit, Jason told me i was like Jonah.
FUEL TO THIS MAMAS FIRE!
In my heart, is it true, yes 100% true. But so what! I want what i want and when i want it!
Is the ugliness of all this messing you up? If so, keep reading, it'll probably get worse before it gets better. Just wait. And don't forget the icing on the cake:i'm a pastors wife and i'm so about to say this...
I don't want to spend all my time with people who don't know Jesus! It's hard!!!!!!!
It's easier to do life in my own circle.
It's easier to not extend myself to the people who need Jesus the most.
It takes time. Time is what i don't have. Time is what i want more of!
Oh the ugliness is seeping out of every pore in my body i know.
But i did pray the prayer "cleanse me Lord" so here he goes...again. plucking the ugliness from deep down in my soul to relive my life of these thoughts and feelings which i didn't know existed.
So here i am struggling with God. Knowing with out a doubt he called me to return to work. I know why he called me to return to work. Not for the paychecks, although that's an added bonus.
But i'm still wresting with God. Just like Jonah would have rather died out in the sea then head to a town who was far from God.
Because relationships are hard. And without Jesus, they are harder. And we are called to share Jesus, even if it makes us uncomfortable, insecure, weary, and tired. And when we are called to stand in the midst of chaos around us we MUST keep ourselves spiritually rich. We much stay in the word, we must keep praying, and we must stay connected to a community.
God does promise blessings.
God does promise a light at the end.
The tunnel we travel however dark,
ends when we see his face.
So once again i'm reminded this life isn't about my selfish pleasure of doing what I want. oh no. I'm learning that Loud and clear (got it God!). This life is about reaching people for Jesus.
Thank you for sharing, Kathy! I so appreciate your honesty. I continue to learn that when we wrestle with God - argue, throw fits, kick, scream, question, etc. - we grow more than we ever wanted. I appreciate that you feel called to the world of the secular and to BE with people who don't know Him. What an example you are to your kiddos and those of us who feel a similar calling. I pray you feel rest and encouragement in all the roles you have in this life. Working mamas are definitely on my hero list :).
ReplyDeleteThanks Annie! Appreciate that you read and your kind words!
ReplyDeleteOh Sister, I have struggled with the same issue for years!!! - working fulltime when the desire of my heart is just to be home. Like you, I work with unbelievers, which makes it extra difficult & often unpleasant. For about a year, I really wrestled with God on this, and in the end I finally decided to let go and trust Him. I learned that He has me working here because He wants me here. I am the only light in these people's world, sadly. And I finally began to truly believe that His ultimate plan is better than mine, even though it didn't seem that way! We walk by faith, not by sight, right? I had to demonstrate that I believed that. So, I gave up the struggle and "forgave" God for making me work. Knowing that I am in His will and not mine - that in itself helped me a lot! I will pray for you, my friend and fellow mother! -Elaina
ReplyDeleteI felt like I should "forgive God" too for askin me to do this. But that would mean I'm happy to walk this path, and I'm not there yet! But at least I'm walking...
ReplyDeleteYou heard His voice, you obeyed, and in time you may see the fruit of your surrender. Watch for those "divine appointments" that will be part of your day at work. One brief moment, one kind comment, one understanding look, or one compassionate touch may be the only glimpse of Jesus that a lost soul has, and it will be because of you. I admire you and appreciate your sharing your walk with Jesus, Kathy!
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