Silence is the new megaphone

For days.
Maybe weeks i've been trying to write a blog.

I really do dislike the english language.
I struggle to find words that fit my heart.
I can't seem to come up with the exact word for my exact emotions. I often rely on Jason to tell me my feelings. Sounds pathetic. I'm just not good with words.

Yesterday my friend Sarah came over to grab a bible study. Love that i have friends who call me to look through my stash of Bible studies.
We got to talking for an hour or so about many things one being my recent breakup with Facebook. A couple weeks ago i deactivated my account. I have many reasons. Yet Sarah said a word that just sparked my heart.

Exposed.
exposed: visible, typically by uncovering it. reveal, uncover.

The line of work my husband does, can leave our family feeling exposed. Often it is ok. Often i don't mind. And often i view life as an extreme privilege to get a front row seat to all Jesus is doing.

Yet there are times my spirit grows weak.
I become critical of others.
I feel empty.
I lack the emotional margin to help others because i myself have become so exposed to the negative things around me.

It can be a dangerous place to be.

I knew i got there when the panic attacks started. And when they seemed to only get worse i literally for days cried to God asking how i can get these to leave me. They are seeming to ruin any fun plans we had. They are leaving me constantly fearful of when the next one would come.

It was very clear as to what i needed to do.
1. i needed to tell trusted friends what was going on at the deep levels of my heart. I needed to share what brings these on, how long i've been dealing with them, and how they could help.
2. Get off Facebook.

Telling trusted friends happened over e-mail. I was to scared and to tearful to make any sort of phone calls. I wrote it and heard back that same night from 2 close friends in how they would walk with me through this, be by my side, and be an ear to listen to the anxiety that seems to take over.
"The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense." Proverbs 27:9
Yes.
The sweetness of my friends putting their spiritual arms around me. Linking arms with me and reminding me that they will fight the battle with me immediately eased my heart. You can have good friends. That is nice. Spiritual warfare friends is where the goods are found.

For whatever reason for 2 weeks i sat on getting off of Facebook. Facebook is now a way to communicate with people. Its a way to stay in touch. Its a way to rally the troops around a great cause. Its become part of life.

That was the problem.

I started to become critical of peoples posts.
Another parenting blog?
Does anyone ever go to the Word of God for guidence?
Another rant about the kids they can't handle?
Did you sit in prayer over this? Did you take a moment to yourself before blasting the inter webs with your feelings?

Oh how gross my heart was. What evil was creeping into my head and out my mouth.
And if it was coming out of my mouth and into my head then surely it was in my heart.

No way to get it out but cut it at the source.

Peoples posts are not the problem.
Peoples rants about kids or parenting blogs or food or a clean house are not the problem.

Ladies & gentlemen i am the problem.
My ugly heart is the problem.

It had grown critical.
unloving.
uncaring.
judgmental.
and i'm sure the list can only go on so i'll spare you the ugliness.

So Facebook went down.
No i didn't warn the masses.
No i didn't provide other ways to get a hold of me.

For awhile it'll just be me and Jesus.
Jesus most definitely has a work to do in my heart. And it always starts with being obedient to what the Holy Spirit is telling me to do.

I wake up and read my Bible.
I crave my Bible.
The Bible is alive again.
My spirit is aware of my surroundings.

People i cried leaving Fred Meyer the other day because there are 2 groups of people that live in their campers and they just move around lynnwood. That made me cry. It should make me cry.

When we rid ourselves of outside voices and outside garbage God and his Spirit have room again to open our eyes to the people who need him. And isn't that what this world is about? Isn't it about the audience of one?
Jesus.
He is our only audience.
He is who we strive to be like.
He is who's name we share with the world.
He is who is reflected in our hearts, our smiles, and our voices.

Cut the outside noise and the outside voices and it's as if Jesus found his megaphone and is yelling in my ear all day long.
It's a good yell.
Its a voice I've craved to hear in a world that is hard to hear anything in with all the media that blasts our ears.

It's our choice as to how loud Gods voice is in our life.
It's our choice as to how our heart break for what breaks His heart.
It's our choice.

Silence is the new megaphone.