Tears and Wisdom

Lately tears.
Tears for days are pouring from Jason and I.
Not bad ones.
Just tears over almost everything all the time.
We have turned into weeping puddles.
What gives.

We watched a video of Jocelyn cheering on Jason when he graduated with his masters. He wanted a video of the kids cheering. I'm so glad he asked for that. I took the video of Jocelyn and Jason's sister heather took one of Judah. Jocelyn and her adorable 3 yr old self saying "Thats my daddy. Thats my dada" over and over and she saw him on the big screen watching him walk across the stage.
Tears for days.

I got a card for mothers day.
Well i got several.
But an unexpected one handed to be from our executive pastor left me in tears for literally days.
Yesterday Jason asked what i was crying about.
"The card" I said. "I just keep re reading it".
Tears for days.

We had staff chapel yesterday. A day were it enables the staff at Creekside to encounter God not on a Sunday because Sundays can be busy. And although we encounter God on Sunday something so wonderful about not being strapped to microphone. It was a beautiful time where we cried and cried.
Jason cries quietly just slightly wiping his cheek.
I however need all the kleenex in the land, mascara everywhere and need to take my glasses to a professional washer because they are covered in makeup and tears.
Yet it was a beautiful time of God's presence and all we had was a simple guitar.
Tears for days.

And i do what any Christian does.
I try and think: God. Did we pray for brokenness?
Tenderness?
The last few days all i can remember asking God for is clarity and wisdom.
We need more wisdom than our brains can hold.

And then God smiled and i physically went...ah. I see.

Wisdom to a person who's heart is not broken before the Lord can seem as if they are full of themselves.
Wisdom to a person who's heart breaks at the very thought of Jesus being born to save a world is wisdom the Bible speaks of.

James 3:17-18
'But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and the fruit of good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness."

Well smack me over the face.
Here i prayed for wisdom because we need answers to problems and we need direction and my list of needs is forever long.
I needed selfish wisdom.

God wants our hearts.
Oh how far my prayers were off from God's heart but he has still given me what i asked, just not how i thought he would.

The list James gives us of what wisdom from above looks like is the reason we cry.
It's the reason our hearts break over what seems meaningless things yet it's so meaningful to our heavenly Father.
It's the reasons our hearts are shedding tears down our face.

I prayed for wisdom.
God is giving me pure wisdom.
peace loving wisdom.
Gentle wisdom.
Yielding to others wisdom.
Merciful wisdom.

That's like my God to use my selfish prayers to prune my selfish ways even more.
I want to flourish under his care. To do so i have to pay attention to gentle ways of pruning me. What was an innocent prayer turned to be selfish at it's root and he is gracious to pluck it out and replace it with his loving gifts.

Praise be to God for seeing me worthy of his affection.
I love being His daughter.